Mindful Psychology Associates

Licensed Clinical Psychologists in Evanston, Illinois

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Bridging the Generations: Parents, Your Teens Need to Talk!

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I remember as a parent to young kids, my friend with older kids telling me, “I was exhausted when my kids were younger but in hindsight small kids, smaller problems. Now with older kids, I realize bigger kids, bigger problems!” 

Parenting a tween or teen is not for the faint of heart: moodiness, mean kids, hormones, shifting relationships with family members, and experiencing the massive bodily changes associated with puberty are all a normal and predictable part of this time in your child’s life. Along with this comes serious challenges as a parent! 

You may be thinking—my tween/teen is quiet, well behaved, and seemingly fine. The odds are that your child may be suppressing or avoiding their emotions, rather than not experiencing any emotional experiences. 

An August 7, 2024, Gallup poll, Parents Avoid Hard—but Helpful—Conversations with Gen Z , found that while 80% of tweens/teens found conversations with their parents to be helpful, over 40% of parents find it difficult to communicate with their kids about topics such as emotions and social media.  

The good news is that the majority of parents do, and can communicate with their kids about potentially difficult topics!

What about the other percentage (almost 50%) of parents who find it challenging? Can these parents learn these skills, or is it a hopeless cause?

Let’s first consider the historical background here. Most parents of Gen Zers are Gen Xers or Millennial generations—and many of Gen X/Millennials—were parented by Baby Boomer parents. If we go back even further, we remember that Baby Boomers were parented by the Silent Generation, who believed that children should be seen and not heard. 

Baby boomer parenting was characterized by shaming, lectures, being hands-off, and a disregard, if not invalidation, of kids’ emotions. Remember—these parents as children were told they shouldn’t even be talking or expressing themselves in any way so you can see the progression over time.

When Gen Xers became parents, the pendulum swung hard to the other extreme. Overparenting, anxious worry about their children, and often erring on the side of being overprotective or not letting their kids handle stressors or challenging situations. Much of this was a direct response from the latchkey kid, uber independent norm of Gen Xers, as well as many women having careers before leaving their jobs to stay at home with their children. The perfectionistic and driven nature of the ‘career woman’ often transferred to their children. Tiger Moms and helicopter parenting became more normalized as this cultural shift occurred. 

talking to teens

Why might some Gen X/Millennial parents be uncomfortable discussing potentially difficult topics with their tweens/teens?

  • Early Environment
    If they were raised in families where talking about feelings such as sadness, stress, or anxiety was not allowed, their emotional vocabulary (ability to recognize and identify emotions) may be stunted. In certain cultures, discussing emotions directly (especially ‘negative’ ones such as anger) was discouraged and then indirect communication patterns were encouraged (passive-aggressive behavior, not stating needs directly, mind reading).
  • Shaming for Having Emotions
    Some Gen-Xers grew up hearing statements like, “Why are you crying?” “You have nothing to be sad about” or “I’ll give you something to cry about”. If someone was questioned when having emotions, instead of being provided with support and empathy, it’s unsurprising when they decide to keep their emotions private and hidden from others. 
  • Emotions are Scary
    If a child was raised in an environment with fighting adults, screaming, yelling, or calling names, this can be scary for a child and lead to nervous system dysregulation and suppression of emotions. Many children lacked role models of how to express emotions in a more calm and regulated manner. Emotions such as anger or frustration may be difficult to express.
  • They are not uncomfortable or detached from their own emotions.
    If parents are detached from their own emotional experience, they are unlikely to access their feelings or talk about emotions openly. Some people are highly logical and reason based and minimize emotional impact.
  • They are afraid of making a mistake.
    Many parents want to do right by their children, and lack confidence in having conversations that are challenging or they feel unskilled by. They don’t want to say the wrong thing or potentially have their child shut down as a result of their conversation.
  • They are overwhelmed or confused.
    Especially when it comes to social media and online behavior, many parents feel behind the times or unsure of what their children are doing on their phones. They don’t know where to start or how to create safety in a conversation rather than their child feeling judged by them.

How can parents develop their skills and increase their comfort level to be able to talk to their kids?

Firstly, if you are a parent recognizing your own discomfort with emotions and want to work on this to be able to talk more with your kids, congratulations! Awareness and understanding of this (potentially painful) dynamic is so important. I hope you can have compassion for yourself as you gain these skills.

There are many great resources for developing these skills, here are a few ideas:

  • Set a timer on your phone for a few times during the day where you do a check-in with yourself. What are you feeling at the moment? Scan your body to see where you might find clues as to how you are feeling. Is there tension in your shoulders or back? Is your mind busy with racing thoughts? Are you feeling some pent up energy or calm? If your kneejerk reaction is to think that you’re not feeling anything, take a deep breath and breathe for a few minutes to ground yourself so you can discover what you’re experiencing.
  • Get Curious
    If you find yourself having an emotional reaction during the day, pause to examine what is happening. Did something make you upset? What was going on? Were you thinking about something from your past that led to you feeling a certain way? Or perhaps something you’re worried about that hasn’t yet happened? Also if you felt like you couldn’t pause when you reacted, notice that too.
  • Use Plotchik’s Emotion wheel to help you identify and understand what you are feeling in any moment.
  • Books
    One great resource is Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett.
  • Movies
    Pixar’s Inside Out 1 and 2 are both excellent films that focus on emotional development. Yes, they are animated movies so designed for kids but a wonderful resource for adults also who are curious about their emotional world.
  • Mentors
    If you know someone who you consider to be in touch with their emotions, ask them how they developed those skills. You may gain some valuable information and learn from their journey.
  • Therapy
    Therapy is a wonderful tool for helping people who are disconnected from their emotions to become more comfortable feeling, identifying, and discussing how they are feeling
parents talk to teens

Tips for Talking to Your Tween/Teen

  • Take them somewhere in the car (they are in the passenger seat) and ask them how they have been doing lately. (Ask for more information if they reply ‘fine’!) Many kids feel intimidated by face-to-face eye contact, so a car is a perfect environment for lessening that pressure!
  • Ask them if anything has been bothering them lately at school, with friends, on social media, or at home. This approach communicates caring and openness. Let them know you are here for them if they need to talk.
  • Introduce talking about emotions in your home by role modeling this behavior yourself. Talk about a hard day, something that is making you sad or upset, etc. 
  • Focus on listening to your child—a natural inclination of parents is to jump into problem-solving mode. While this is understandable and can be helpful, many kids just want to be heard and listened to rather than offered feedback or advice.
  • Get comfortable with being uncomfortable! Starting to delve into deeper topics with your kids may feel daunting. Your kids may not respond positively (or at all). This is all normal and just keep trying!

Loneliness in College

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College can be a socially vibrant and exciting time for young adults — there’s a seemingly endless amount of opportunity to connect with new people, whether that be in class, around campus, on dorm floors, at a party, etc. However, college can also be lonely at times too; it may not seem like it because stigma prevents people from talking about feelings such as loneliness. People are much more likely to keep it to themselves until such feelings pass. Furthermore, on social media people usually post versions of themselves having fun in large groups which can make it easy to feel like you’re left out or missing something. The truth is, loneliness is an experience we all have — thankfully it is typically short lived among people.

What is Loneliness?

Defining loneliness is tricky; scientists have not reached a consensus on an exact definition because the experience of loneliness overlaps with so many other experiences. For example, in one study asking people to describe what their loneliness felt like, people commonly used the following words: emptiness, disconnection, loss, longing, grief, abandonment, existential, isolation, helplessness, pain, depression-like, and rejection. While science does not have full agreement on an exact definition, it does have various models/frameworks of loneliness, with the cognitive model being the most backed by research. The cognitive model understands loneliness as distress a person experiences when they perceive a discrepancy between how much social contact they are actually getting and how much social contact they are wanting to get. The model also describes three types of loneliness one can feel.

Intimate loneliness refers to feeling like there is an absence of significant others (a spouse or relationship partner, best friends, or other close connections). These are relationships where you have the greatest amount of intimacy and connection.

Relational loneliness refers to experiencing an absence of a social circle in your life. These may be more distant friends, family you draw support from, and other people you socialize with regularly.

The last type is collective loneliness — feeling lonely along the lines of your broader social identity such as disconnection from your college community, racial/cultural identity, team or group you’re in, etc.

Across the literature, risk factors for increased loneliness include age, gender, widowhood, partner loss, living alone, loss of close friends, and economic challenges. Notably, however relative to all other risk factors, the most significant predictor of loneliness is age. Age has been shown to account for 88% of the variance accounting for loneliness, with early adulthood years being a group most at risk..

For some college students, this may be the furthest or longest time away from family, friends, and home they’ve ever been. For others, it might be hard making new friends or finding a well-suited social circle. Other transitions around this age period include greater independence and responsibility, increased exploration of personal/social identity, and working to clarify life goals and purpose.

Young adults who are ethnic and racial minorities may be at a particularly higher risk of loneliness as well. This could be because they are exploring their sense of belonging across the additional dimension of culture. Thus, if you’re not a part of dominant culture, come from an immigrant background, etc., you may be at a greater risk of feeling lonely. 

What are Some Ways to Reduce Loneliness?  

Recent research has found having high quality relationships are much more important than having a high quantity of relationships. So if you are lonely, focus on the goal of meeting one or two friends. You could start with identifying people who you already have some contact with, perhaps in a class or someone you know through a hobby. If you need more opportunities to get those initial connections, there are also lots of options on or off campus. For example, you could volunteer within the local Evanston community, join a school organization, or join a local Facebook group around an activity you like.

loneliness in college

One thing to keep in mind is that high-quality relationships take time to develop. Science supports that spending time together can help progress the relationship toward becoming more fulfilling but those first several encounters might feel awkward or hard. The key is to stick with it and give the relationship a chance to flourish. It may or may not amount to what you were looking for, but if you quit too soon you’ll certainly never know. That said, equally important to consider is if the relationships you are starting to develop feel safe and healthy. Sometimes the desire to alleviate loneliness and feel connected becomes so strong it can lead us to dismiss or minimize boundary crossings, inappropriate behaviors, or other violations to the self. In such circumstances, it would not be helpful to continue to stick with the relationship as these are signs it is unlikely to lead to the meaningful connection you were looking for and may even cause you harm in the future. If you are interested in learning more about boundaries for healthy relationships, Mindful Psychology Associates’ Maren Panzirer has a blog post offering more detailed information (see “Boundaries and Healthy Relationships for College Students“).

 Other research found social cognition therapy (usually CBT based within a framework of loneliness) has been effective. Therapy can be helpful in having conversations to expand how you think about yourself and your social life. This can reduce the intensity, duration, or frequency of loneliness. It can also be a good space to develop social skills or greater confidence to engage with others.

Lastly, distraction can be another way to ease loneliness. Feelings of loneliness ebb and flow and, more often than not, they are short lived. When you are feeling lonely, diverting your attention with an activity can be a helpful way to ride out the feeling until it passes. This can include doing things like going for a walk or bike ride, playing video games, reading, making art, etc.

If you are struggling with loneliness, therapy can help! Please visit our scheduling page to get started an

Boundaries and Healthy Relationships for College Students

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“Boundary-setting” seems to be the new buzzword across social media platforms like TikTok, but what does boundary setting mean, and why is it so important? Setting boundaries and communicating them effectively sets the foundation for a healthy relationship. In college, you are creating relationships of all kinds — friendships, romances, roommates, and professional relationships. Setting boundaries helps define expectations of yourself and others in your different kinds of relationships.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are an invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for a person. They can be physical (e.g., please do not touch me) or emotional (e.g., please do not raise your voice at me). It’s up to you to decide what boundaries feel safe and when. This may differ from person to person, too– maybe you are comfortable with your roommate giving you a hug unprompted, but not a classmate you just met.

Boundaries are mediated by differences in culture, personality, and social context. For instance, appropriate boundaries in class are likely very different than appropriate boundaries at a party. Consider how your boundaries may differ from others as you meet folks from diverse walks of life throughout your college experience (and beyond). Boundaries are also fluid, and can change based on your comfort level, time, and context. For example, you may typically be okay with friends texting or calling you late at night, but during exams, you need your sleep and might set the boundary with friends that they should not reach out to you past 10:00 pm unless there is an emergency.

We can categorize boundaries in 6 broad categories: physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, time, and material:

  • Physical boundaries encompass touch, personal space, and your physical needs. This can include how/when you are touched as well as who can touch you.
  • Intellectual boundaries include respect for others’ ideas and awareness of appropriate discussion (e.g. not discussing politics with a certain friend group because it frequently devolves into an argument).
  • Emotional boundaries enable you to discern where your emotions end and another person’s emotions begin. This type of boundary also gives you the ability to witness others’ emotions without taking their emotions into your bubble as your responsibility to react to, fix, or solve.
  • Sexual boundaries refer to how people touch your body, how people see your body, and how people treat you in sexual situations. This includes consent related to anything sexual in nature, such as sexual or sexually suggestive words, jokes, images, gestures, or touch.
  • Time boundaries help you to understand your priorities and set aside enough time for the many areas of your life without overcommitting.
  • Material boundaries refer to money and possessions. Creating material boundaries involves setting limits on what you will share, and with whom.

How to Set Boundaries

The key to setting boundaries is to be assertive, but what does being assertive mean, and what does it look like? Being assertive is often confused with being aggressive, but the two are actually very different! When we are assertive in our communication, we are clear and firm in what we are asking for, while still maintaining respect for others.

Tips for assertively setting boundaries:

  1. Be as clear and straightforward as possible in what you are asking for. Confrontation can be scary, and it’s natural to want to stall or be indirect. Fight against that urge! You want to make sure the other person clearly understands what your boundaries are and what you are trying to communicate.
  2. Use open body language and make eye contact. So much of communication is nonverbal, and body language like crossing your arms or getting really close to the person will likely come off as more aggressive. Keeping body language open shows that you are direct but not rude, and is likely to be met with a more positive response. For example, keep your hands by your side rather than crossing your arms, keep your legs uncrossed, and make eye contact. Be mindful of avoiding passive body language like shrinking yourself to look smaller, hunching your back, fiddling with clothing/jewelry/hair, and lack of eye contact.
  3. Do not raise your voice. It is okay to be stern, direct, and firm in setting boundaries; however, watch the tone and volume of your voice — raising your voice or using an angry tone can lead to the other person becoming defensive and less likely to hear and respect your boundaries.
  4. State your need/request directly and phrase it in terms of what you’d like, rather than what you don’t like. For example, if your roommate keeps borrowing your clothes without asking, saying “Hey, please ask me when you want to borrow something of mine” is going to be better received than “Don’t take my clothes without asking me first.”

Empowering Yourself to Set Boundaries with Others

setting boundaries

While setting boundaries is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships, it can be a daunting task. Show yourself compassion if you find yourself nervous to set a boundary with someone or worrying about how they are going to respond. Remind yourself that your needs are important and deserve to be met!

Take some time to reflect on what your limits are with others, and how these boundaries will manifest in your relationships.. Forming an idea in your head of what your boundaries are and how they may look in different relationships will make it easier to have those boundary-setting conversations.

Start small! No one expects us to be boundary-setting experts right off the bat, and practicing communicating boundaries is going to make you more confident and comfortable. Choose a low risk boundary to set with a trusted person in your life — maybe your best friend always steals your French fries off your tray at the dining hall, and while it’s not the biggest bother in the world, you wish they would ask first. You could approach this situation by saying “I don’t mind sharing food with you, but I would appreciate it if you would ask first next time.” Then, you can build yourself up to setting “bigger” boundaries with others.

Finally, remember that you are responsible for your words, actions, and reactions — and you are not responsible for anyone else’s. Some people may not respond positively to you setting boundaries and/or will continue to violate your boundaries. Their reactions are not your responsibility. Lean on trusted supports for help in how to address when others don’t respect your boundaries. Seek out friends, family, professors, RAs, and mental health professionals to help explore how you wish to proceed when someone does not respect your boundaries.

College is a time of meeting new people and finding your place in the campus community. With that comes the need for clear boundaries to ensure your safety and comfort in the new relationships you will foster. Remember, setting boundaries is the ultimate form of self-care, and paves the way for meaningful, genuine, and healthy relationships.

If you’re struggling with setting boundaries and would like professional support, therapy can help! See our scheduling form to schedule your first appointment!

References

Navigating the Transition to College Life

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Much build-up is involved in the process of going to college, starting in high school if not sooner. Students are focused on building academic skills, as well as participating in sports, hobbies, and extracurricular activities in the pursuit of getting into the fill-in-the-blank (best, highest ranked, BIG 10, Ivy League, liberal arts) college or university. In addition, high schoolers are consumed with ACT/SAT test prep, essay writing, college visits, applications, and financial aid decisions.

Finally—congratulations, you’ve been accepted at a college or university that seems like a terrific fit, the finances have been worked out, and you feel excited about your next adventure where you will be spending the next 4 to 5 years! High school wraps up, you move into your dorm room, say goodbye to your family, and wait for your best life to start.

Despite many older people who have wistfully told you that college will be the “best years of your life” and seeing loads of Instagram posts with smiling, partying first year students … you’re not feeling it. You and your roommate don’t get along well. It’s hard going from the predictability of your high school life living in your family’s home to facing so many decisions in a strange, new place. You feel homesick and lonely and also guilty for feeling so bad while being at your top-choice school. People excitedly ask you how college life is going and you don’t want to be honest that you are struggling (and potentially let them down), so you say it is great! Frankly, you feel lost.

If you can resonate with these feelings, keep reading!

Starting college is a major adjustment in myriad ways—and a rich time for psychological development and growth. Quite often while going through life transitions, we have preconceived expectations and hopes of what we hope will happen in our new life. Yours may have looked something like: I moved into my dorm room and formed an easy connection with my roommate, enjoyed my classes, had a large group of friends to eat meals with in the cafeteria, and developed a thriving social life. I studied a lot but work was manageable, and had a great time partying with my friends.

So what happens when your expectations aren’t coming to fruition, or at least aren’t happening right now?

Human memory has an ironic way of preserving positive experiences while minimizing negative, boring, and stressful ones. This cognitive bias is referred to as Rosy Retrospection (see https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/rosy-retrospection/) where after time elapses, we tend to remember fun and happy memories and those hard times fade away. So when your Aunt Jackie reminisces with you about the fun parties and crazy antics she experienced in college, she’s also probably not recalling and remembering the difficult times.

What can you do to ease this transition?

Identify What You’re Feeling

You may be experiencing a wide range of feelings—sadness, homesickness, frustration, anxiety, excitement, confusion to name a few (and you may experience all of these during one day!) Having intense emotional experiences can be overwhelming and at times even exhausting. Checking in with yourself about your emotions, and deciding to accept them as valid and normal, can be a useful tool

Acknowledge Your Vulnerability

Major life transitions can be accompanied with questions and self-doubt—am I ‘doing it right?’ Will things get better? Why does it seem like everyone else is in a better place? During times of great change, many of us may feel vulnerable or helpless and uncomfortable with not being able to predict what may happen in the short or long term.

You may have heard the expression “comparison is the thief of joy.” The reality is that some college students adjust more seamlessly than others. Many factors may go into this such as having close friends at the same college, experiencing a sense of community quickly, or many other reasons. It may feel unfair that you’re having a more difficult time—it’s not fun, that is for certain. Acknowledging your discomfort and owning your own personal experience (rather than comparing yourself to your high school friends) can help.

Name Your Struggle

Be honest with yourself that you’re struggling—sometimes this is the hardest step. It might feel scary to acknowledge that things aren’t going as well as you had hoped. Talk to a trusted friend or supportive family member. It may be helpful to talk to an older friend who has already transitioned to college and seems to be doing well. You’re certainly not alone though in your experience even though others may also be concealing their true feelings or reluctant to share vulnerable feelings.

college student struggle

Remember the Basics

Most new college students are learning more about how to take care of themselves without any family help. This can be hard, especially if you are living away from home for the first time. Things like establishing a healthy sleep schedule, making sure that you’re eating regular meals with a balanced diet, getting fresh air and walking every day may seem rudimentary, but making sure these areas of your life are in a healthy balance can also benefit your mental health. Stress can cause disruptions in eating, sleeping, and energy level, so attempting to establish healthy habits can be useful now and during more stressful times.

Connect with Others

Think about your friendships from high school or earlier—those friendships most likely took investing a lot of time (possibly even over years) and shared experiences to deepen. Researcher Jeff Hall found that it takes on average 50 hours spending time with someone to consider them a casual friend, and over 200 hours to develop a close friendship (see https://news.ku.edu/2018/03/06/study-reveals-number-hours-it-takes-make-friend).

Keep that in mind as you navigate these early budding friendships! So start small—commit to getting to know one hallmate, say hello to someone you sit next to in class, go to one extracurricular meeting. Take advantage of social connection activities that dorms and colleges offer in the first few months, and also know that you may feel uncomfortable or awkward at first.

Therapy Can Help

Most colleges and universities have a counseling center or referral resources for students. Focusing on students’ mental health has increased over the years with more students reporting anxiety and depression symptoms than ever before. It may be helpful to start therapy for additional support and guidance. This may be particularly relevant if you have a prior mental health history (anxiety, depression, eating disorder) and especially important if your anxiety or depressive symptoms feel severe or are impacting your ability to take care of yourself and attend classes.

I’ve been working as a Licensed Clinical Psychologist specializing in college student mental health for almost 20 years. I started my career working in university counseling centers and have spent the last 17 years in my outpatient practice helping many students smoothly make this major life transition with their mental health intact. I’ve worked with undergraduate students for their entire four (or more) years of their undergraduate degree, and have also worked with students just for a few sessions to help with adjustment.

All of the therapists at Mindful Psychology Associates are trained in working with college students and both the typical adjustment issues as well as treating more long-term concerns such as major depressive disorder or anxiety disorders.

By Dr. Jennifer Contarino Panning, Psy.D.
Founder/President, Mindful Psychology Associates PC