Starting college can be exciting, and also feel a bit uncertain or stressful. When you walk into your dorm and meet someone new, you’re about to spend a whole year together in a fresh, unfamiliar environment — your first year of college! Or maybe you’re heading back to school, hopeful that this year will bring new opportunities and chances to connect with more people. No matter the situation, building a sense of community on campus can make your experience more enjoyable and meaningful.
But what if, despite your best efforts to connect, college life feels tougher for you? If your relationship with your roommate is strained, or if last year was marked by feelings of isolation and challenges in forming close friendships, it’s completely understandable to feel discouraged. In such situations, it’s not uncommon to question your decisions, experience shame or self-doubt — especially when social media and popular culture often portray college as ‘the best time of one’s life’ — a time of effortless connection and lasting friendships.
The truth is, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Many students face similar struggles, and these experiences can contribute to a deep sense of loneliness or even symptoms of anxiety and depression. In fact, the 2023 U.S. Surgeon General’s report identifies loneliness and social disconnection as a growing public health crisis, with serious implications for both mental and physical well-being.
In our increasingly digital society, popular TikTok trends and curated Friday night Instagram stories often present a selective narrative that may not fully capture the complexities of students’ real experiences. Sometimes, you might find yourself without someone to hang out with, and the highlights you see online don’t show everyone’s real life situation. It’s okay if being social feels more exhausting for you than it does for your friends, or if you don’t enjoy going to all the parties or being in large groups. Feeling lonely or spending time alone at times is completely normal, and for some college students they find that first year that they are spending much more time alone than they did when living in their family home in high school. Various life experiences, personal challenges, systemic barriers, and other stresses can sometimes make social connections difficult for awhile. Still, the human need for connection and belonging is deep-rooted and vital for everyone.
What steps can you take to promote community building and develop supportive relationships? First, it may be helpful to consider that relationship building takes time and intentionality. Studies show that forming close relationships typically takes anywhere from a few weeks to several months, often requiring around 100+ hours of shared time during those early interactions. Furthermore, research suggests that prioritizing spending time together, quality conversations (i.e., checking in, joking around, daily talk), and a mutual desire to connect are likely necessary contributors to developing close relationships. In other words, cultivating close relationships is an investment that requires patience and care. Fortunately, college may offer you a unique environment to build lasting relationships through shared experiences, close proximity, and a variety of dedicated academic and social interactions.
As you consider ways to build community, I invite you to pause, breathe deeply, and gently acknowledge that your experiences and feelings are valid. Self-compassion grows when we treat ourselves with kindness instead of self-judgment. Next, remember you are not alone in these feelings; your experiences may differ from those of other college students, especially considering the varied stories we all hold. Finally, I invite you to try some practical approaches to see what resonates with you in fostering community.
Here are some helpful tips to consider for social connections. Although not an exhaustive list, exploring these options might spark your curiosity and encourage personal discovery.
Tips for Building Community
- Join social clubs, activities, or groups by attending workshops or campus-led events that match your interests.
- Create or join a study group that allows you to connect with your classmates. Remember that taking a risk to ask a classmate to study may feel uncomfortable but can lead to a friendship forming.
- If you live on campus, consider checking out RA events or making contact with people on your floor. If you are relaxing in your dorm room, consider keeping your door open to show that you are open to hallmates saying hello.
- Consider joining a peer mentorship program. Whether you are a first-year student in need of guidance or a returning student wanting to engage in mentorship, a peer-mentorship program can help with relationship-building.
- Foster Current Relationships
Maintain and strengthen existing friendships by dedicating time to calling or meeting in person, as emotional bonds are vital. If you are feeling homesick, scheduling a time to talk or FaceTime an old friend or family member can help to boost your mood. - Online Communities
When online, consider engaging with positive online communities that promote social connections and a sense of belonging, and consider fostering these relationships offline when possible. - Empowerment Groups
Join empowerment groups that focus on support, discussion, and a sense of shared connectedness. - Therapy
If social building feels particularly difficult, consider consulting a mental health professional for assistance. University counseling centers can be a good place to start and often have support groups or individual counseling available, or connecting with a local outpatient psychotherapy practice for therapy.
If you are a college student struggling with feeling disconnected and would like to pursue therapy for help, author and MPA postdoctoral fellow Kassy Murad, Psy.D., is taking new clients and is available for in person and virtual sessions.
References
- Hall, J. A. (2018). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278-1296. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225 (Original work published 2019)
- Office of the Surgeon General (OSG). (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. US Department of Health and Human Services.
Kassy Murad, Psy.D., (she, her, hers) sees clients virtually and in our downtown Evanston office.
