I remember as a parent to young kids, my friend with older kids telling me, “I was exhausted when my kids were younger but in hindsight small kids, smaller problems. Now with older kids, I realize bigger kids, bigger problems!”
Parenting a tween or teen is not for the faint of heart: moodiness, mean kids, hormones, shifting relationships with family members, and experiencing the massive bodily changes associated with puberty are all a normal and predictable part of this time in your child’s life. Along with this comes serious challenges as a parent!
You may be thinking—my tween/teen is quiet, well behaved, and seemingly fine. The odds are that your child may be suppressing or avoiding their emotions, rather than not experiencing any emotional experiences.
An August 7, 2024, Gallup poll, Parents Avoid Hard—but Helpful—Conversations with Gen Z , found that while 80% of tweens/teens found conversations with their parents to be helpful, over 40% of parents find it difficult to communicate with their kids about topics such as emotions and social media.
The good news is that the majority of parents do, and can communicate with their kids about potentially difficult topics!
What about the other percentage (almost 50%) of parents who find it challenging? Can these parents learn these skills, or is it a hopeless cause?
Let’s first consider the historical background here. Most parents of Gen Zers are Gen Xers or Millennial generations—and many of Gen X/Millennials—were parented by Baby Boomer parents. If we go back even further, we remember that Baby Boomers were parented by the Silent Generation, who believed that children should be seen and not heard.
Baby boomer parenting was characterized by shaming, lectures, being hands-off, and a disregard, if not invalidation, of kids’ emotions. Remember—these parents as children were told they shouldn’t even be talking or expressing themselves in any way so you can see the progression over time.
When Gen Xers became parents, the pendulum swung hard to the other extreme. Overparenting, anxious worry about their children, and often erring on the side of being overprotective or not letting their kids handle stressors or challenging situations. Much of this was a direct response from the latchkey kid, uber independent norm of Gen Xers, as well as many women having careers before leaving their jobs to stay at home with their children. The perfectionistic and driven nature of the ‘career woman’ often transferred to their children. Tiger Moms and helicopter parenting became more normalized as this cultural shift occurred.
Why might some Gen X/Millennial parents be uncomfortable discussing potentially difficult topics with their tweens/teens?
- Early Environment
If they were raised in families where talking about feelings such as sadness, stress, or anxiety was not allowed, their emotional vocabulary (ability to recognize and identify emotions) may be stunted. In certain cultures, discussing emotions directly (especially ‘negative’ ones such as anger) was discouraged and then indirect communication patterns were encouraged (passive-aggressive behavior, not stating needs directly, mind reading). - Shaming for Having Emotions
Some Gen-Xers grew up hearing statements like, “Why are you crying?” “You have nothing to be sad about” or “I’ll give you something to cry about”. If someone was questioned when having emotions, instead of being provided with support and empathy, it’s unsurprising when they decide to keep their emotions private and hidden from others. - Emotions are Scary
If a child was raised in an environment with fighting adults, screaming, yelling, or calling names, this can be scary for a child and lead to nervous system dysregulation and suppression of emotions. Many children lacked role models of how to express emotions in a more calm and regulated manner. Emotions such as anger or frustration may be difficult to express. - They are not uncomfortable or detached from their own emotions.
If parents are detached from their own emotional experience, they are unlikely to access their feelings or talk about emotions openly. Some people are highly logical and reason based and minimize emotional impact. - They are afraid of making a mistake.
Many parents want to do right by their children, and lack confidence in having conversations that are challenging or they feel unskilled by. They don’t want to say the wrong thing or potentially have their child shut down as a result of their conversation. - They are overwhelmed or confused.
Especially when it comes to social media and online behavior, many parents feel behind the times or unsure of what their children are doing on their phones. They don’t know where to start or how to create safety in a conversation rather than their child feeling judged by them.
How can parents develop their skills and increase their comfort level to be able to talk to their kids?
Firstly, if you are a parent recognizing your own discomfort with emotions and want to work on this to be able to talk more with your kids, congratulations! Awareness and understanding of this (potentially painful) dynamic is so important. I hope you can have compassion for yourself as you gain these skills.
There are many great resources for developing these skills, here are a few ideas:
- Set a timer on your phone for a few times during the day where you do a check-in with yourself. What are you feeling at the moment? Scan your body to see where you might find clues as to how you are feeling. Is there tension in your shoulders or back? Is your mind busy with racing thoughts? Are you feeling some pent up energy or calm? If your kneejerk reaction is to think that you’re not feeling anything, take a deep breath and breathe for a few minutes to ground yourself so you can discover what you’re experiencing.
- Get Curious
If you find yourself having an emotional reaction during the day, pause to examine what is happening. Did something make you upset? What was going on? Were you thinking about something from your past that led to you feeling a certain way? Or perhaps something you’re worried about that hasn’t yet happened? Also if you felt like you couldn’t pause when you reacted, notice that too. - Use Plotchik’s Emotion wheel to help you identify and understand what you are feeling in any moment.
- Books
One great resource is Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett. - Movies
Pixar’s Inside Out 1 and 2 are both excellent films that focus on emotional development. Yes, they are animated movies so designed for kids but a wonderful resource for adults also who are curious about their emotional world. - Mentors
If you know someone who you consider to be in touch with their emotions, ask them how they developed those skills. You may gain some valuable information and learn from their journey. - Therapy
Therapy is a wonderful tool for helping people who are disconnected from their emotions to become more comfortable feeling, identifying, and discussing how they are feeling
Tips for Talking to Your Tween/Teen
- Take them somewhere in the car (they are in the passenger seat) and ask them how they have been doing lately. (Ask for more information if they reply ‘fine’!) Many kids feel intimidated by face-to-face eye contact, so a car is a perfect environment for lessening that pressure!
- Ask them if anything has been bothering them lately at school, with friends, on social media, or at home. This approach communicates caring and openness. Let them know you are here for them if they need to talk.
- Introduce talking about emotions in your home by role modeling this behavior yourself. Talk about a hard day, something that is making you sad or upset, etc.
- Focus on listening to your child—a natural inclination of parents is to jump into problem-solving mode. While this is understandable and can be helpful, many kids just want to be heard and listened to rather than offered feedback or advice.
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable! Starting to delve into deeper topics with your kids may feel daunting. Your kids may not respond positively (or at all). This is all normal and just keep trying!
