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Mindful Psychology Associates

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Loneliness in College

September 27, 2023 By Deep Patel Leave a Comment

loneliness in college

College can be a socially vibrant and exciting time for young adults — there’s a seemingly endless amount of opportunity to connect with new people, whether that be in class, around campus, on dorm floors, at a party, etc. However, college can also be lonely at times too; it may not seem like it because stigma prevents people from talking about feelings such as loneliness. People are much more likely to keep it to themselves until such feelings pass. Furthermore, on social media people usually post versions of themselves having fun in large groups which can make it easy to feel like you’re left out or missing something. The truth is, loneliness is an experience we all have — thankfully it is typically short lived among people.

What is Loneliness?

Defining loneliness is tricky; scientists have not reached a consensus on an exact definition because the experience of loneliness overlaps with so many other experiences. For example, in one study asking people to describe what their loneliness felt like, people commonly used the following words: emptiness, disconnection, loss, longing, grief, abandonment, existential, isolation, helplessness, pain, depression-like, and rejection. While science does not have full agreement on an exact definition, it does have various models/frameworks of loneliness, with the cognitive model being the most backed by research. The cognitive model understands loneliness as distress a person experiences when they perceive a discrepancy between how much social contact they are actually getting and how much social contact they are wanting to get. The model also describes three types of loneliness one can feel.

Intimate loneliness refers to feeling like there is an absence of significant others (a spouse or relationship partner, best friends, or other close connections). These are relationships where you have the greatest amount of intimacy and connection.

Relational loneliness refers to experiencing an absence of a social circle in your life. These may be more distant friends, family you draw support from, and other people you socialize with regularly.

The last type is collective loneliness — feeling lonely along the lines of your broader social identity such as disconnection from your college community, racial/cultural identity, team or group you’re in, etc.

Across the literature, risk factors for increased loneliness include age, gender, widowhood, partner loss, living alone, loss of close friends, and economic challenges. Notably, however relative to all other risk factors, the most significant predictor of loneliness is age. Age has been shown to account for 88% of the variance accounting for loneliness, with early adulthood years being a group most at risk..

For some college students, this may be the furthest or longest time away from family, friends, and home they’ve ever been. For others, it might be hard making new friends or finding a well-suited social circle. Other transitions around this age period include greater independence and responsibility, increased exploration of personal/social identity, and working to clarify life goals and purpose.

Young adults who are ethnic and racial minorities may be at a particularly higher risk of loneliness as well. This could be because they are exploring their sense of belonging across the additional dimension of culture. Thus, if you’re not a part of dominant culture, come from an immigrant background, etc., you may be at a greater risk of feeling lonely. 

What are Some Ways to Reduce Loneliness?  

Recent research has found having high quality relationships are much more important than having a high quantity of relationships. So if you are lonely, focus on the goal of meeting one or two friends. You could start with identifying people who you already have some contact with, perhaps in a class or someone you know through a hobby. If you need more opportunities to get those initial connections, there are also lots of options on or off campus. For example, you could volunteer within the local Evanston community, join a school organization, or join a local Facebook group around an activity you like.

loneliness in college

One thing to keep in mind is that high-quality relationships take time to develop. Science supports that spending time together can help progress the relationship toward becoming more fulfilling but those first several encounters might feel awkward or hard. The key is to stick with it and give the relationship a chance to flourish. It may or may not amount to what you were looking for, but if you quit too soon you’ll certainly never know. That said, equally important to consider is if the relationships you are starting to develop feel safe and healthy. Sometimes the desire to alleviate loneliness and feel connected becomes so strong it can lead us to dismiss or minimize boundary crossings, inappropriate behaviors, or other violations to the self. In such circumstances, it would not be helpful to continue to stick with the relationship as these are signs it is unlikely to lead to the meaningful connection you were looking for and may even cause you harm in the future. If you are interested in learning more about boundaries for healthy relationships, Mindful Psychology Associates’ Maren Panzirer has a blog post offering more detailed information (see “Boundaries and Healthy Relationships for College Students“).

 Other research found social cognition therapy (usually CBT based within a framework of loneliness) has been effective. Therapy can be helpful in having conversations to expand how you think about yourself and your social life. This can reduce the intensity, duration, or frequency of loneliness. It can also be a good space to develop social skills or greater confidence to engage with others.

Lastly, distraction can be another way to ease loneliness. Feelings of loneliness ebb and flow and, more often than not, they are short lived. When you are feeling lonely, diverting your attention with an activity can be a helpful way to ride out the feeling until it passes. This can include doing things like going for a walk or bike ride, playing video games, reading, making art, etc.

If you are struggling with loneliness, therapy can help! Please visit our scheduling page to get started with our intake process. Learn more about the blog author Deep Patel.

Filed Under: Home Tagged With: adjusting to college life, college friends, college loneliness, college relationships, loneliness

Boundaries and Healthy Relationships for College Students

August 30, 2023 By Maren Panzirer Leave a Comment

setting boundaries

“Boundary-setting” seems to be the new buzzword across social media platforms like TikTok, but what does boundary setting mean, and why is it so important? Setting boundaries and communicating them effectively sets the foundation for a healthy relationship. In college, you are creating relationships of all kinds — friendships, romances, roommates, and professional relationships. Setting boundaries helps define expectations of yourself and others in your different kinds of relationships.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are an invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for a person. They can be physical (e.g., please do not touch me) or emotional (e.g., please do not raise your voice at me). It’s up to you to decide what boundaries feel safe and when. This may differ from person to person, too– maybe you are comfortable with your roommate giving you a hug unprompted, but not a classmate you just met.

Boundaries are mediated by differences in culture, personality, and social context. For instance, appropriate boundaries in class are likely very different than appropriate boundaries at a party. Consider how your boundaries may differ from others as you meet folks from diverse walks of life throughout your college experience (and beyond). Boundaries are also fluid, and can change based on your comfort level, time, and context. For example, you may typically be okay with friends texting or calling you late at night, but during exams, you need your sleep and might set the boundary with friends that they should not reach out to you past 10:00 pm unless there is an emergency.

We can categorize boundaries in 6 broad categories: physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, time, and material:

  • Physical boundaries encompass touch, personal space, and your physical needs. This can include how/when you are touched as well as who can touch you.
  • Intellectual boundaries include respect for others’ ideas and awareness of appropriate discussion (e.g. not discussing politics with a certain friend group because it frequently devolves into an argument).
  • Emotional boundaries enable you to discern where your emotions end and another person’s emotions begin. This type of boundary also gives you the ability to witness others’ emotions without taking their emotions into your bubble as your responsibility to react to, fix, or solve.
  • Sexual boundaries refer to how people touch your body, how people see your body, and how people treat you in sexual situations. This includes consent related to anything sexual in nature, such as sexual or sexually suggestive words, jokes, images, gestures, or touch.
  • Time boundaries help you to understand your priorities and set aside enough time for the many areas of your life without overcommitting.
  • Material boundaries refer to money and possessions. Creating material boundaries involves setting limits on what you will share, and with whom.

How to Set Boundaries

The key to setting boundaries is to be assertive, but what does being assertive mean, and what does it look like? Being assertive is often confused with being aggressive, but the two are actually very different! When we are assertive in our communication, we are clear and firm in what we are asking for, while still maintaining respect for others.

Tips for assertively setting boundaries:

  1. Be as clear and straightforward as possible in what you are asking for. Confrontation can be scary, and it’s natural to want to stall or be indirect. Fight against that urge! You want to make sure the other person clearly understands what your boundaries are and what you are trying to communicate.
  2. Use open body language and make eye contact. So much of communication is nonverbal, and body language like crossing your arms or getting really close to the person will likely come off as more aggressive. Keeping body language open shows that you are direct but not rude, and is likely to be met with a more positive response. For example, keep your hands by your side rather than crossing your arms, keep your legs uncrossed, and make eye contact. Be mindful of avoiding passive body language like shrinking yourself to look smaller, hunching your back, fiddling with clothing/jewelry/hair, and lack of eye contact.
  3. Do not raise your voice. It is okay to be stern, direct, and firm in setting boundaries; however, watch the tone and volume of your voice — raising your voice or using an angry tone can lead to the other person becoming defensive and less likely to hear and respect your boundaries.
  4. State your need/request directly and phrase it in terms of what you’d like, rather than what you don’t like. For example, if your roommate keeps borrowing your clothes without asking, saying “Hey, please ask me when you want to borrow something of mine” is going to be better received than “Don’t take my clothes without asking me first.”

Empowering Yourself to Set Boundaries with Others

setting boundaries

While setting boundaries is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships, it can be a daunting task. Show yourself compassion if you find yourself nervous to set a boundary with someone or worrying about how they are going to respond. Remind yourself that your needs are important and deserve to be met!

Take some time to reflect on what your limits are with others, and how these boundaries will manifest in your relationships.. Forming an idea in your head of what your boundaries are and how they may look in different relationships will make it easier to have those boundary-setting conversations.

Start small! No one expects us to be boundary-setting experts right off the bat, and practicing communicating boundaries is going to make you more confident and comfortable. Choose a low risk boundary to set with a trusted person in your life — maybe your best friend always steals your French fries off your tray at the dining hall, and while it’s not the biggest bother in the world, you wish they would ask first. You could approach this situation by saying “I don’t mind sharing food with you, but I would appreciate it if you would ask first next time.” Then, you can build yourself up to setting “bigger” boundaries with others.

Finally, remember that you are responsible for your words, actions, and reactions — and you are not responsible for anyone else’s. Some people may not respond positively to you setting boundaries and/or will continue to violate your boundaries. Their reactions are not your responsibility. Lean on trusted supports for help in how to address when others don’t respect your boundaries. Seek out friends, family, professors, RAs, and mental health professionals to help explore how you wish to proceed when someone does not respect your boundaries.

College is a time of meeting new people and finding your place in the campus community. With that comes the need for clear boundaries to ensure your safety and comfort in the new relationships you will foster. Remember, setting boundaries is the ultimate form of self-care, and paves the way for meaningful, genuine, and healthy relationships.

If you’re struggling with setting boundaries and would like professional support, therapy can help! See more information about Maren Panzirer or use our scheduling form to schedule your first appointment!

References

  • Understanding the Six Types of Boundaries, PESI (infographic)
  • Boundaries: What are They and How to Create Them, University of Illinois–Chicago Wellness Center
  • 7 Tips to Create Healthy Boundaries with Others, Psychology Today
  • How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships, PositivePsychology.com

Filed Under: Home Tagged With: college student boundaries, college student mental health, college student relationships, empowering yourself, setting boundaries

College Students and Mental Health: A One-Hour Zoom Webinar for Parents

August 7, 2023 By Dr. Jennifer Contarino Panning

college student mental health webinar

Learn about latest trends in college student mental health, practical strategies to discuss with your student before they leave for college, how to access resources, and how to best adjust to your student leaving for college.

FREE via Zoom on Tuesday, August 15, 2023; 5:00 pm – 6:00 pm.
Join Dr. Contarino Panning for information and resources about helping your young adult children.

For more information and to register: evanstonpsychologists.com/webinar

Filed Under: Home

Mediation: Making Divorce Less Terrible

April 14, 2023 By Dr. Jennifer Contarino Panning Leave a Comment

divorce mediation

A Free Talk for Therapists

Learn more about the mediation process from a legal pro. Creative collaborative and mediated agreements are more likely to enable all parties and their children to succeed in the future. Attorney Rachel Moore will discuss alternatives to going to court — specifically mediation and collaborative divorce, as well as covering some of the benefits of using each approach. Common myths and pet peeves about mediation will also be examined.

  • FRIDAY, MAY 5, 2023
  • 9:00 AM – 10:30 AM
divorce mediation

Speaker Rachel Moore

Former Assistant Attorney General for the State of Illinois, Rachel Moore is a Collaborative Divorce Institute Fellow. Her private practice, Rachel Moore Law, LLC, is now devoted to collaborative law, facilitative mediation, and representing parties utilizing mediation.

Rachel Moore
Rachel Moore

About the Event

REGISTRATION REQUIRED:

  • Held at Mindful Psychology Associates, 636 Church St., Suite 520, Evanston, Illinois
  • 9:00 AM–9:30 AM: Networking and pastries
  • 9:30 AM–10:30 AM: Presentation and Q&A
  • Free for therapists!

Filed Under: Home Tagged With: collaborative divorce, couples therapy, divorce mediation, therapist event

Beating the New Year’s Slump for the ADHD Brain

December 28, 2022 By Alayni Frizzell Leave a Comment

The New Year can bring a surge of motivation and inspiration into our lives, with its wealth of possibilities; new year, new you, new ideas and a fresh start. But many of us entering a new year with great expectations and hopes of change may inevitably find ourselves feeling the thrill of a new start be dimmed by the struggle of maintaining the new habits of our resolutions.

For many with neurodivergence, in which ADHD, Autism, and more are included, the new year excitement often ends in disappointment and disparaging self-talk. How many of us have committed to a new hobby or habit and declared that it was “our year” to make a big change, only to feel let down by March 1st? How many craft supplies, exercise plans, diets, self-help books, and ambitious planners have been left in the dust?

Here’s the good news: habit formation can actually be a talent within ADHD, rather than an impossibility. However, how most neurotypical people view starting a new habit is far from the reality of those with neurodivergence. The key is to stop holding yourself to the standards of routine of others, and start identifying your own habit-forming skills.

So, what are those, exactly? The answer is different for everyone, but there are some potential hints to figure out your own habit-forming style.

1. Identify Your Activity Patterns!

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for starting a new habit can be in when, where, and how you start. What time of day do you generally get the most done? Where do you feel the most focus? What conditions around you make for the best outcome? Neurodivergent brains are sensitive to their surroundings and pre-set patterns. If you find you struggle with starting a new habit, it may be best to orient it around timeframes and environmental stimuli that already work for you. For some, that may be music, white noise, aromatherapy, a cup of tea, and a snack. For others, that may mean burning the midnight oil and having a friend along.

For more helpful tips on breaking down your productivity patterns, consider looking at the “MW5”, a method of productivity pioneered by ADHD coach Robert Pal: A Deceptively Simple System for Getting More Done with ADHD.

headphones and peace

2. Embrace Variety in Your Consistency

One of the major factors in losing a habit or forgetting a resolution is the loss of interest. After a while, the new and exciting habit you were trying to start loses any sort of thrill, and the ADHD brain tosses out the boring information to make room for new, exciting stimuli. So how do we avoid this encroaching boredom? By introducing variety into our consistency. This may sound like an oxymoron, but I promise it is not. The neurodivergent brain craves variety to maintain focus, and it needs consistency and structure for functionality. The trick lies in balancing the two needs.

If your resolution is going stale, it may be time to brainstorm how to keep your goal while making it interesting for yourself again. Common variety-helpers are changing the rewards of your new habit, breaking the habit or task into smaller, defined tasks, creating new and meaningful reminders for yourself, setting alarms, or cutting down on interference to the task.

3. Redefine Your Relationship with Routine

Routine is a regular enemy of the ADHD brain — once something loses variety and interest, continuing a task increased in difficulty almost exponentially. The key is to start small: an overall behavioral change can be difficult to keep up with when it takes more effort and focus than whatever behavior came before it. Making the behavior smaller — for example, doing a one-minute increment of a new activity rather than immediately dedicating an hour, and increasing that increment slowly — allows the new habit to latch on in the brain. Maintaining your new habit at a smaller increment for a significant stretch of time, rather than starting it at full strength, helps to slowly rewire your brain, making it become easier to maintain without as much overt effort or purposeful action.

For more on the relationship with routine, try ADHD Coach and Productivity Consultant Marla Cummins’ tips for habit forming: How ADHD Adults Can Finally Fix Their Love-Hate Relationship with Habits.

4. Find Your Internal and External Motivators

Why did you want to make your resolution? What is it you want to achieve from this change in behavior? Are these strong enough to hold your habit? These are your internal motivators. Are there others in your life that can join you in this new habit? Having others engage in the same activities often helps maintain motivation to continue by providing outside accountability and external motivation. Is there an end goal that the change in habit needs in order to succeed? Having firm end outcomes that are both interesting and meaningful to you can cut down on the urge to abandon a new habit that hasn’t hit its stride yet.


These tips may give you a place to start tackling your habits, but if you’re finding yourself struggling, the option to see an ADHD-focused professional is always an option for further support.

Please see more information about Alayni Frizzell, LPC, or use our scheduling form to schedule an appointment with her!

Filed Under: Home Tagged With: ADHD brain, new habits, new habits for ADHD, New Year's slump

In-Person Therapy Appointments Now Available at Our Renovated Office

June 15, 2022 By Dr. Jennifer Contarino Panning

Evanston therapist office

Mindful Psychology Associates is excited to now offer in-person therapy services at our renovated suite in the historic Carlson Building in downtown Evanston! We have heard your requests for wanting to see a therapist in person, and are now enjoying seeing some of our older and newer clients in person.

As a healthcare facility, we require everyone (staff and clients) to wear masks while in the waiting room or therapy offices. We have medical-grade air purifiers in the waiting room, as well as each office, as precautions to keep our office a healthy environment. Each client will need to sign a waiver agreeing to our COVID protocols and guidelines.

We will continue offering telehealth services through our Zoom for Healthcare platform as long as health insurance continues to reimburse telehealth. The last two years have shown the effectiveness and power of telehealth and we are happy to offer choices to our clients, especially the convenience and increased access that telehealth offers.

After a very busy winter and spring, several of our clinicians have openings for new clients. Summer is a great time to focus on improving your mental health or discussing emotional readiness for college.

Mindful Psychology Associates’ two newest clinicians are accepting referrals for new clients! Amy Bailey, LCPC, is a seasoned clinician who works with young adults and adults on issues around depression, anxiety, and trauma. She also does couples therapy for couples seeking to strengthen their relationship or address serious concerns. MPA’s newest clinician, Alison Stoll, LPC, works with teens, children over age 10, and adults seeking support regarding trauma and mood disorders. She is also trained in EMDR, which is an effective therapy to address the impact of trauma.

For all inquiries, please contact our admin team at 847-864-0600 or visit www.evanstonpsychologists.com/schedule to get started in our intake system.

Wishing everyone a relaxing and fun summer!

Filed Under: Home

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MPA’s Clinical Director Michelle Gebhardt PsyD a MPA’s Clinical Director Michelle Gebhardt PsyD and our postdoctoral fellows Brittany Findlan-Sawant PsyD and Gabi Willey PsyD attended International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals’ Winter Gala last week! MPA sponsored a basket for the silent auction which included a @mybearaby weighted blanket. Did you know that Michelle is the Founding President of IAEDP’s Heartland chapter? We love that our clinicians have professional involvement in various communities—it  helps us to build solid referral partners as well as infusing the practice with the latest research and info on relevant clinical topics!  #mindfulpsychologyassociates #mindfulpsychologyevanston #latergram #iaedp #eatingdisorderawareness #psychologistsofinstagram #chicagotherapy #chicagopsychotherapy #chicagopsychologist
It’s been nice being out and about in the commun It’s been nice being out and about in the community at various events and networking lately! We love building relationships with new friends and catching up with old ones, and value the opportunity to collaborate and connect.  Pic 1–Jennifer and Michelle attend @evanstonchamber The Mash Up, 900 Evanston business members were there!  Pic 2–It was great meeting co-owner @gemstonewellness Andrea at a fundraiser brunch for @sistaafya  Pic 3–our friends Sarah and Rayelle were also at the brunch  Pic 4–Sista Afya is an amazing nonprofit supporting wellness and mental health of Black women, check them out, they are doing some very cool things for the community  #mindfulpsychologyassociates #mindfulpsychologyevanston #evanston #headheartbiztherapy #headhearttherapy #gemstonewellness #sistaafyacommunitycare #psychologistsofinstagram #chicagotherapy
Hoping for peace and sending love to all impacted Hoping for peace and sending love to all impacted ❤️ #mindfulpsychologyevanston #mindfulpsychologyassociates #trauma #traumahealing #peace
New group starting! Overcoming Trauma is a support New group starting! Overcoming Trauma is a supportive skills group and a wonderful adjunct to individual therapy for those who have experienced trauma in the context of an interpersonal relationship. Starting soon and meeting in person in downtown Evanston!  #mindfulpsychologyevanston #mindfulpsychologyassociates #psychologistsofinstagram #traumarecovery #trauma #evanston #mentalhealth #chicagotherapy
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